Once Upon A Time... I Was A Storyteller

 Once upon a time... I used to write fiction.

Then life and circumstances got in the way of that noble pursuit and I also got lost in the world of ghostwriting for a time. In time, I ceased taking projects that meant writing fiction for others to claim as their own for a pitiful amount of money, and I didn't go back to my own writing.

I basically stopped completely--other than a few tiny bursts--for months. As of this writing, I still haven't returned to those lands of make-believe in which I once found joy and amusement in wandering.

There have been times when I've wondered if I would ever write a story again. Will I be able to recapture the joy of storytelling and fill it with renewed vigor? Or is it too late? I've had serious doubts. The longer I've been away from the habit of writing, the bigger those doubts have grown. 

 I've lost my way, perhaps.

But it might be that I can find the path, get back on it, and set off on some fantastic new journey. I just have be open and willing to try. So... that's what I've decided. I'm even going as far as announcing on this mostly defunct blog of mine. Writing fiction isn't something I want to regret casting aside in later years. A recent birthday has cast this in a vivid light. 

On June 1, 2025, I will come back into this office, sit at this desk, and start writing make-believe. This is about putting words on the page, stacked in rows one on top of the next, until I get page. Then I'll do it again. In some ways, I'm starting all over again. I've gotten out of the habit. I'll have to set aside the time and sit here until something happens. That's all the pressure I'm going to put on the process other than this largely obscure announcement. 

Let's see what I can.

Update: A New State of Personal Affairs

Several months have passed since I have written a single word on this blog. Glancing back at the previous post from September 30, 2024, I would say that it is an understatement to say that things did not pan out like I had hoped. Instead of returning to my writing, I fiddled around with a few final ghostwriting projects before really throwing in the towel for good. I did some sporadic fiction writing throughout October and November before ceasing writing altogether in early December. At the beginning of this month, I made a very weak return to fiction, beginning work on a short story but soon ground to halt once again. 

What else happened in the last few months of 2024? 

I took a part-time cleaning job in mid-October and continued to drive as a DoorDash driver, doing both for a time. I also applied for a job at a health insurance company through a friend's suggestion and got hired as a claim technician and started that job in mid-November. Out went dashing but I kept the cleaning gig. At the time of this post, I am winding down that job. 

So Far, So Good

I am all in working a full-time, 40 hours a week day job. It is not something I would ever thought I would do again. But my circumstances demanded that kind of change. I was sinking further into financial crisis and the stress was taking a serious toll. So far, I find I can tolerate the insurance job reasonably well. It's mentally taxing but not overly-so. Most of the time anyway.

Yet this leaves me wondering about any sort of serious return to fiction writing. There are days when I feel like the ride is over and that it is time to get off. Or, put another way, it may be time to pack those things away and move on with my life. I just feel hopeless about the whole project from time to time. Still, there are days when the enthusiasm of my little muse is there waiting, or maybe begging, for the chance to let loose. 

I don't really think I'm done with the writing life. It's more that I'm trying to find a new entry point. This is difficult sometimes though when other areas of my life intrude so heavily into such musings. In many ways, I'm still in the process of regaining my footing and looking closely at how I've lived life so far these nearly 47 years,

I'm evaluating and assessing things. I'm contemplating the idea of counseling to help straighten out a few things about my inner life. I've always been to worry and scrutinize things but a little outside perspective might be handy at this point. There are activities that I've had to admit are becoming more harmful, emotionally, than helpful.

One of the more recent turns has come in the realm of social media. 

Stepping Back from Facebook

Almost a week ago, I deactivated my Facebook account. 

There wasn't any single thing that precipitated this move. It wasn't even the first time I had done this in recent months. Yet it was something I had been thinking about on and off when I realized that just being on the platform and scrolling through the feed was dragging down my mood and adding to my anxiety and sense of loneliness. Worse still, I was coming to grips with the fact that I didn't really many true friends to point to from my Friends List. 

I was just another lurker on Facebook. There was no point of engagement for me unless I was sharing content and generally wasting time doing so. This became especially true when I was seeing more ads and suggested content than anything relevant or meaningful from anybody on that list of friends. What I did see made me feel sad and lonely more than happy or entertained. 

Facebook, so-called social media, is useless for having really social interaction and a sense of community and friendship. Even now I have no one, no circle of friends in my local area, to eat dinner with or spend time together. (I'd also add that the same is true for any kind of writing community.)

Other than the time I get with my children, I am alone most of the time. And that is eating away at me.

Now, of course, removing Facebook from my daily life, leaves a hole that I am trying to fill with genuine, live interactions with human beings. I'm on a quest for strong friendships even as I wonder whether more intimate companionship with some special lady is something I could see again. 

I suppose this line of thinking might explain why the escapism of fiction writing has fallen down the list of priorities in recent times. Real life is just intruding too strongly for that but I would like to think I can find a way back to it anyway.

I am not sure how long this season without Facebook will last. I am trying to evaluate the effects over time. Then I'll make a more permanent determination. 

What's Next?

I don't have an answer to that question right now. And maybe that's okay.

I think it is saying something that I decided to come back to this blog to make some report or accounting of my whereabouts. Other than the hand-written journal I still keep, this is the first long-form written communication I've made in quite some time. 

I'm just trying to be real with anyone who still sees these posts. I still maintain the hope that I will swing back around to fiction writing and maybe taking a bigger swing at adding to my own body of work now that ghostwriting is officially in the rearview mirror.

I guess I'll have reasons to return to the blog. Part of me likes that idea. We'll see.

Where Things Stand Now

So, where do things stand nearly four months later?

I learned some costly lessons when it came to making an ill-fated dive back into ghostwriting. I left that crossroads and ambled down the same silly path that brought me there in the first place. I thought maybe I could tackle those work-for-hire books with a different attitude or approach. Turns out that I was seriously, comically wrong about that. 

I wasted time with that rather than plotting out a proper return to my own work. Why? It was the prospect of money that did it in the end. I wanted to be a working writer but on not the best terms just so I could stay in the vicinity of writing. The pay wasn't great but it was a smidge better than I had been making.

The big problem was that I was trying to be in two places at once. I've been doing DoorDash to bring in more money but when I got behind it became more expedient to drive because I got money much faster than I would if I was sitting in a chair writing. 

Not that there aren't two edges to this particular sword.

I couldn't do both successfully and there were costs to dashing that worsened some financial problems by creating vehicle maintenance costs, etc. Only recently have I tried to address this by returning to my roots in the commercial cleaning business. However, I'm just dipping a toe on those waters just now. I'm not sure whether to ramp up that source of income so I can get off the road, and with any luck, spend more time in the writing chair. 

With it being the end of September and all, I've resolved to make a return to my own writing again and move in that direction so I can start publishing my work again. 

Tomorrow, October 1st, is my official restart day. My goal is to write fiction consistently for here on out, meaning everyday. 

Meanwhile, I will look for better ways to address the income issues that persist. Believe me, I would rather not be a real-life example of the 'starving artist' cliche. 

Writer at a Crossroads

Maybe you could call this an update. I'm not sure I really have much to update anybody about but at least I can spend a few moments running over my state of mind right now. It's been a bit since I wrote anything I would call a blog post let alone anything interesting enough to relate here for those who still read my missives.

I've said previously that I'm done with ghostwriting. But, thing is, I didn't completely stop writing books on a for-hire basis. I wrote a few that way before I just hit a colossal wall related to the process. I initiated involvement in several books projects and ultimately ended the contracts before they even began simply because I just didn't want to write books that I would never be able to claim again and certainly would never gain anything monetarily. 

The kind of ghostwriting I was able to land did not pay good rates. I was lucky to get a penny a word, maybe two cents. 

Bottom line: People do not want to pay writers. You know the people that make their dreams possible as publishers and make them money. Content creators are constantly getting shit on. I just can't believe people still paying such paltry amounts for original fiction. More importantly, as a writer, we are just handing over all our rights to stories and copyright for basically nothing. It's the worse kind of business thinking. 

And I've succumbed to it too just because I've needed the cash. I hate that it comes down to this. But it has... and more than once. At this point, I've taken on gig work like DoorDash just to avoid seeking out a more standardized job. I'd rather not be beholden to somebody else's schedule and demands. But I can't quite make such work substantial enough to pay bills so I'm always drawn back to ghostwriting. 

But what about my own books, you might be asking. 

Ah, that's the worst part.

I've not been writing much at all when it comes to my own fiction. I've started a small town romance but it's been in limbo mostly because of all the other books I've done in between. Instead of concentrating on my own work I've been a damn ghost. 

I put the breaks on everything lately and actually stopped to take a good look at where I'm at in life here lately. Yeah, it was probably spurred on by my 46th birthday, but it needed to happen. 

I need to stop and recognize that the path I'm on right now is the wrong one. The question is, what's the right path for me at this point.

My life is in something of a shambles right now and I need to find a way to set things right. That's the truth. 

So, here I am, a confused guy but also still writer, looking for a way to make those very old dreams come true and actually make a living a fiction writer. But on my own terms.

Anyway, maybe I'll come back to the blog with more thoughts as I attempt to sort this mess out. 

Wrong Turns

Everyone takes a wrong turn now and again whether it is in their career or their life. We often have no idea we've take a wrong turn until we've traveled a few miles down the road. It is only when we stop, pull out the map, or maybe get out of the car that we realized we've blundered. Sometimes, it's small error but sometimes its big. Or maybe it's become a pattern of errors when keep making. 

But, if we're lucky, we reach a moment where we can take a moment to consider the wrong turn. Maybe we even turn around and try to back track to reach the turn we should have taken. Instead of belly-aching about it, we actually do something constructive about the situation. We try to find a solution that might just help us get to where we want to be. We certainly don't keep going the wrong way!

At least that's what I'm hoping.

I'm at one of those crossroads right now. I've stopped on the road and consulted the map. Hell, I even got out of the car and took a good hard look around me just to get a sense of how far I've gone off course.

It's almost April. The first, full quarter of 2024 is almost wrapped up. The last time I typed a word here it was to post an update at what became a failed attempt at National Novel Writing Month this past November. I didn't finish a book. I'm not even sure what derailed the process for me at this point. Maybe I jotted something down in my journal. I'm not going to look to find out. 

It doesn't matter. The past is the past. I'm sitting here in the present and I'm wondering what I need to do to get back on the right path. 

You might be wonder what in the world I'm talking about. Admit it. You're asking yourself that question. In some coming posts, I will try to answer this, mostly for myself, and maybe you, dear reader, if you're curious.

I'll be back tomorrow. 

NaNoWriMo 2023: Day Thirteen

Well, today was a slightly better. I was able to get a couple of pages worth of writing done on the novel. I got 524 words and advanced a chapter forward a bit. So, it was a win. I'll take it.

Interesting to say this now, but I probably shouldn't have tried to do National Novel Writing Month this year. However, now that I've already begun, it would probably be worse to quit now. I'm nearly 10,000 words behind where I should be at this point in November, so my word counts have to be much higher if I have any chance of hitting 50k by November 30th. 

I'm stewing on this information. Trying to be real with myself too. I've miscalculated things before, so this isn't new territory. It's led to missed goals and failures to finish books in past attempts. 

I'd like to break the cycle this time. 

Wish me luck.

NaNoWriMo 2023: Day Twelve

A short one because I didn't write a word today. It was a bit of a rough one honestly.

So yeah, 0 words written. 

Let's see how tomorrow goes. 

NaNoWriMo 2023: Day Eleven

Back again with the daily update. Well, on this chilly Saturday, I was found myself away from the house and hence the desk for a good portion of the day. As a result, I wasn't able to do much on the novel. 

I did add just over a page to the book manuscript or a total of 323 words. 

I'm not going to promise I will accomplish more tomorrow. I'll see what happens. Weekends can be a weak proposition for writing normally. We will see.

Catch ya later, folks.

NaNoWriMo 2023: Day Ten

Well, today I finally got back to the book and added a couple of pages to the manuscript. In other words, I added 532 words to the book, so I got a start on a new chapter. I'll take that and am glad for a return. 

I will have to see how much I can get written tomorrow. Hopefully, more than today. I need to increase the word counts to get back on track for where I should be in terms of total word count of the project. 

Onward.

NaNoWriMo 2023: Day Nine

Well, it's the third day in a row that I've not written. Maybe I should be worried but I'm going try to make up the lost time coming up here. 

0 words written on the novel. 

Let's see how tomorrow shapes up.

NaNoWriMo 2023: Day Eight

So, today did not go according to plan. Unfortunately, I was not able to add any new words to the novel and was focused on freelance projects instead. With another day of zero words, I will have to do better if I am going to stay on track and not too far behind. 

For the record of this challenge, I produced 0 new words of fiction. Onward to the next day.

NaNoWriMo 2023: Day Seven

Well, today, I wasn't able to get anything written on the novel today. First miss of the challenge. That means my word count will have to go up to compensate for this. 

So, that's it. I got zero words today. 

NaNoWriMo 2023: Day Six

Hey gang. I added another 2796 words to the novel today so still making progress.

Tomorrow, due to some other work, I may fall short on words. I'm trying to prepare for the interruptions as best I can but will have to wait and see how it impacts my daily writing on this project. 

Just an FYI for those watching this unfold.

NaNoWriMo 2023: Day Five

It was another solid day of progress of writing on this novel. The word count came in at 2308 words this time. I completed another chapter. I am wondering how my word counts will look in a few days. It seems I always slow down as I move toward the interior of a book. It is only when I'm getting closer to the end that I pick up speed again.

Honestly, there is nothing that unusual about this workflow. I've learned that many writers encounter a slump in the middle of a book and have to keep powering through until they near the climax of the story. Then it's like hitting a downhill slope. 

We shall see how things go. 

NaNoWriMo 2023: Day Four

Back again for another update. Things are going well so far on this book. I completed another chapter. This time my word count was 2123 words. 

I'm officially on track. Actually, I'm just slightly ahead on the daily count now. With any luck, I won't have any mishaps and will complete this book on time or early. 

I was trying to figure out how to be more informative, maybe offer a bit of insight into the creative process during this contest. But I'm finding that I just go back to simple idea of making good daily progress producing new words of fiction. That's just what it takes. Don't overthink things and definitely don't make it super important. Honestly, the more important you make your daily writing the more difficult it can become. 

I know it's counter-intuitive but despite the fact that National Novel Writing Month is an event, you must not make the writing an event. It's just having some fun each day making up a story. You are entertaining yourself, first and foremost. 

What happens to the book when it's done is something completely separate. So, I want to emphasize that you should just have fun. Enjoy the process. 

NaNoWriMo 2023: Day Three

Back again with a decent report on the book's progress. Almost up where I need to be in terms of word count for this point. If I keep producing words at this rate, I'll climb just above the minimum. Maintaining that pace could put me across the 50k finish line a few days early. 

We shall see how things go of the coming weeks.

I finished another chapter on the novel. This time the word count was 2109 words.

NaNoWriMo 2023: Day Two

Much better second day. I have completed a chapter of 2258 words on this book. The progress is slow but steady. I'm trying to make up some lost ground. It might take a day or so given the low first-day total. 

The key was to get an earlier start in the day. It's clear that writing later in the day increases the odds of not getting enough done for the day--at least for me. 

Not much else to report at the moment. 

NaNoWriMo 2023: Day One

Okay. Here we are. I've officially begun the book for this year's NaNoWriMo. So, how did I do on this first day? Well, not great. I got a late start to the book and never got back to do more sessions. And how many words did I write? 

I wrote 276 words. That is just over one manuscript page. I've just gotten a start on chapter one. That means I will need to write more words tomorrow in order to get on track. 

For those unfamiliar with the guidelines of National Novel Writing Month, allow me to provide a brief explanation. Essentially, when you participate you must write a 50,000-word novel in the month of November. That is thirty days of writing. If you break it down, that means you need to write about 1667 words a day. 

Like I said yesterday, I do not plan books I just write them into the dark. In this way, the experience echoes that of the reader's in that I am following the characters along on their journey and discovering the story along with them. I'm not alone in this approach. Many, many writers write books this very same way. Most long-term professionals most definitely do. It's a natural method of storytelling, really.

So, onward to day two. Let's see if I can get a better word count tomorrow.

NaNoWriMo 2023

It's been a long time since I posted anything here. What better way to come back to the site but with an announcement of my participation in National Novel Writing Month this year. I'm writing this about fifteen minutes before it officially begins at midnight on November 1st. 

This time around, I am going to try to keep a bit of journal of my daily experiences writing a new book this month. I'll post something each day and include how many words I was able to get written on that particular day. 

The new book has a title but that is all. I have no clue what this will be about when I sit down tomorrow to begin. 

I do not plan books. I do what is called 'writing into the dark' or 'pantsing' as it more commonly referred.

Wish me luck and stay tuned, folks. This will be interesting.

Update: Some More Changes for 2023

The End of MYTHIC

Back in January, I was able to announce the release of MYTHIC #20. At the time, I believed I would be producing new issues after the release of that one, that the magazine would be carrying on. Well, guess what? I was wrong. Just over a week ago now, I announced the end of MYTHIC, meaning that Issue #20 would actually be the final one published. 

I said this in a post on the magazine's website titled 'MYTHIC Is Closed': 

The title says it all, folks. I've had to totally shut MYTHIC down. There have been too many financial issues and even production issues, plus I've found that my current life circumstances have not allowed me the time needed to manage all of this. I've fought to keep it alive, but the fight became too great. So, I'm saying goodbye to MYTHIC. 

Thanks to all of those who loved the magazine and believed in it from its very first issues back in 2016. 

Sincerely,

Shaun Kilgore

Now that some time has passed, I've been sitting back contemplating the decision I made. When I look at the time, I spent both reading submissions and trying to deal with all of the elements of production and distribution, and then looked at all of the other work vying for my limited time and attention, I must admit a minor sense of relief. Not being the editor/publisher of MYTHIC is just one less ball I have to juggle. It's something at also ate into any sort of writing time I had.

I know now that I lost my ability to balance the time, so I regained the time I needed to write and do other things in the course of the day.

Now, I'm left with the clean-up from this almost seven-year project. Other than some issues that need mailed, I do have a final best of collection to prepare for publication. The Best of MYTHIC: Volume Two will now serve as an endcap to an era of magazine editorship that I am proud to have accomplished.

State of My Writing

I think this subject might be just as difficult to talk about as ending the magazine was, maybe more so. In many ways, I've been frozen as a writer. I've managed a few short-term thaws in my production, but they don't last. I'm totally off-balance and can't get into writing the way I did in the past. What's made it worse has been trying to write for someone else as a ghostwriter. I've done some work recently, but the whole process of ghostwriting has become almost repugnant to me at this point. I just can't do it anymore.

That means I've got to pivot to someone kind of writing that will also allow me to make some money too. Easier said than done. The one thing I'm trying not to do is be too hard on myself. It's almost an effortless thing for me. Stupid, I know, but there it is. 

So, I'm really just back to the drawing board and trying to keep my head above water. Some days it feels like I've got anchors latched to my ankles though. No comforting at all. 

But this writer will press on and see what happens.