Several months have passed since I have written a single word on this blog. Glancing back at the previous post from September 30, 2024, I would say that it is an understatement to say that things did not pan out like I had hoped. Instead of returning to my writing, I fiddled around with a few final ghostwriting projects before really throwing in the towel for good. I did some sporadic fiction writing throughout October and November before ceasing writing altogether in early December. At the beginning of this month, I made a very weak return to fiction, beginning work on a short story but soon ground to halt once again.
What else happened in the last few months of 2024?
I took a part-time cleaning job in mid-October and continued to drive as a DoorDash driver, doing both for a time. I also applied for a job at a health insurance company through a friend's suggestion and got hired as a claim technician and started that job in mid-November. Out went dashing but I kept the cleaning gig. At the time of this post, I am winding down that job.
So Far, So Good
I am all in working a full-time, 40 hours a week day job. It is not something I would ever thought I would do again. But my circumstances demanded that kind of change. I was sinking further into financial crisis and the stress was taking a serious toll. So far, I find I can tolerate the insurance job reasonably well. It's mentally taxing but not overly-so. Most of the time anyway.
Yet this leaves me wondering about any sort of serious return to fiction writing. There are days when I feel like the ride is over and that it is time to get off. Or, put another way, it may be time to pack those things away and move on with my life. I just feel hopeless about the whole project from time to time. Still, there are days when the enthusiasm of my little muse is there waiting, or maybe begging, for the chance to let loose.
I don't really think I'm done with the writing life. It's more that I'm trying to find a new entry point. This is difficult sometimes though when other areas of my life intrude so heavily into such musings. In many ways, I'm still in the process of regaining my footing and looking closely at how I've lived life so far these nearly 47 years,
I'm evaluating and assessing things. I'm contemplating the idea of counseling to help straighten out a few things about my inner life. I've always been to worry and scrutinize things but a little outside perspective might be handy at this point. There are activities that I've had to admit are becoming more harmful, emotionally, than helpful.
One of the more recent turns has come in the realm of social media.
Stepping Back from Facebook
Almost a week ago, I deactivated my Facebook account.
There wasn't any single thing that precipitated this move. It wasn't even the first time I had done this in recent months. Yet it was something I had been thinking about on and off when I realized that just being on the platform and scrolling through the feed was dragging down my mood and adding to my anxiety and sense of loneliness. Worse still, I was coming to grips with the fact that I didn't really many true friends to point to from my Friends List.
I was just another lurker on Facebook. There was no point of engagement for me unless I was sharing content and generally wasting time doing so. This became especially true when I was seeing more ads and suggested content than anything relevant or meaningful from anybody on that list of friends. What I did see made me feel sad and lonely more than happy or entertained.
Facebook, so-called social media, is useless for having really social interaction and a sense of community and friendship. Even now I have no one, no circle of friends in my local area, to eat dinner with or spend time together. (I'd also add that the same is true for any kind of writing community.)
Other than the time I get with my children, I am alone most of the time. And that is eating away at me.
Now, of course, removing Facebook from my daily life, leaves a hole that I am trying to fill with genuine, live interactions with human beings. I'm on a quest for strong friendships even as I wonder whether more intimate companionship with some special lady is something I could see again.
I suppose this line of thinking might explain why the escapism of fiction writing has fallen down the list of priorities in recent times. Real life is just intruding too strongly for that but I would like to think I can find a way back to it anyway.
I am not sure how long this season without Facebook will last. I am trying to evaluate the effects over time. Then I'll make a more permanent determination.
What's Next?
I don't have an answer to that question right now. And maybe that's okay.
I think it is saying something that I decided to come back to this blog to make some report or accounting of my whereabouts. Other than the hand-written journal I still keep, this is the first long-form written communication I've made in quite some time.
I'm just trying to be real with anyone who still sees these posts. I still maintain the hope that I will swing back around to fiction writing and maybe taking a bigger swing at adding to my own body of work now that ghostwriting is officially in the rearview mirror.
I guess I'll have reasons to return to the blog. Part of me likes that idea. We'll see.
No comments:
Post a Comment